Jake’s Take: Atlanta Falcons Follow NFL Trend

Note: This piece is entirely satirical. All accounts are completely made up by Jacob Lintner, and they are not to be trusted. This piece is based around the Chargers moving to Los Angeles, which Lintner covered last week here. This is also the third installment in Lintner’s “NFL Greed” series, which began with the Rams leaving St. Louis.

 

BREAKING: To keep with the times and to compete in a major market, the Atlanta Falcons have announced their move to New York, a market three times the size of their former home.

Arthur Blank, the team’s owner has also curated a plan to build a $2.6 billion stadium just outside of New York City that will be usable by 2019. For now, the franchise will play in a 14-year-old, 27,000-seat arena that already houses a team more popular than them.

This is all done with keeping money in mind, but these are not all of the changes Blank’s team is making. To give them a competitive edge against the nearly immortal New England Patriots, they will now be called the New York Giants, and they have changed their logo to fit their city-abandoning, Super Bowl-hopeful spirit:

A poorly-edited rendition of the Atlanta Falcons logo (images via shutterstock.com, Photoshopped by Jacob Lintner)

Rapper Ludacris, a fierce representative of the 404, has subsequently announced that he has re-recorded his song “What’s Your Fantasy,” replacing the reference to the Georgia Dome with the Philips Arena, the home of the Atlanta Hawks.

While the song’s flow is significantly worse due to this change, Luda is hopeful that his re-release of “How High” will return him to relevance in today’s rap game.

In other news, the once-Giants have taken a plush Roger Goodell as their new mascot.

The Goodells will now be selling T-shirts emblazoned with a triumphant Roger standing atop a heap of defeated doctors who had the gall to point out the dangers of head injuries in the NFL while he is surveying the abandoned lands of St. Louis and San Diego with the burning Oakland rising in the distance. He is holding a skull that belonged to the forgotten Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady, reciting feelings for a player that he had been contentious with for quite some time.

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